Phat Teacher

Okay…so, already it’s happened…just three days in! I have a student who continuously needs to move. He can’t sit still, he doesn’t know what a chair is used for, and he talks non-stop. Usually this doesn’t happen until some time around Day 20. That’s usually about the time that the honeymoon is over.

So today, I already had to resort to desperate measures. 32 kids in a classroom large enough to pass for a walk-in closet, is a difficult task in itself, but add in the mad bouncer/jabberer, and we really needed a rubber room.

So, as I said, I resorted to desperate measures. Our school has a long standing tradition called The Whiteboard Stretcher! Remember way back when I told you that we don’t have real whiteboards…just cheap tile board hanging on the walls? Well, that tile board changes shape over the course of the year…warping and twisting…based on the humidity or lack thereof. So, because of that, we needed a whiteboard stretcher. Of course, we know it’s an imaginary piece of equipment that every teacher needs…but the kids don’t know that.

And so, today, I sent my mover and groover out looking for the whiteboard stretcher. Since every teacher knows the story, it’s easy to pull off. My bouncer headed off at a full speed run, out the door and down the hall. He got to the first room and asked for it. That teacher claimed to have loaned it to someone else…on a different floor. So, he took off again, still in search of the aloof stretcher. After a while, one of the teachers asked where he had already been. Since the child had slowed a bit, he told him that he loaned it to someone in a different building. A sweet, calm child returned to my room with the message of the loaned-out stretcher…attentive for the remainder of the class.

Ultimately, it seems like a mean trick, but it works. Not to get rid of the child, but to calm them down enough to really be able to concentrate.

As a teacher, it is our job to make sure we teach, love, and accept each child and help them grow into responsible people. Sometimes a child cannot sit and learn; sometimes they need a break! They need to move, they need to walk, they need to stand. It’s not your mother’s school any longer. Things have changed, and we must face the 21st century with a new attitude and new ideas.

There is a Confucius phrase that goes, “Do not impose onto others what you yourself do not desire.” I live by that phrase in my classroom. I hate sitting still and listening for long periods of time, and I am pretty sure the kids do, too! Get them up and moving about every 10 to 12 minutes, otherwise the oxygen settles in their butts…and I don’t know about you, but with the size of my butt, I’m pretty sure that it already sucks a LOT of oxygen even without sitting!

So, there you have it, another teaching tool to help kids stay focused: the whiteboard stretcher.

Mary, the Phat/Fat Teacher

One day down…and 172 more to go! (Not that I am counting or anything!)

When you face a room full of 34 6th graders…who have all entered middle school for the very first time…it brings back memories. In 6th grade, I got a new box of Crayola Crayons, (Oh, how I loved the smell of those crayons!), two new shirts, two new pair of pants, and…a pair of brand new bumper tennis shoes.

The night before school started, my mom and dad went out for dinner and left us home. We played a game called the Shoe Game. Our front yard was huge. Each of us would put our shoes in one corner of the yard…and hope they stayed there. The object was to protect your shoes while stealing someone else’s and flinging them as far as possible. (It had to be the stupidest game in the entire world…but we still played it.) The very last words out of Mom’s mouth were, “Do NOT play this game with your new shoes!” Obviously, we didn’t listen. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Within minutes, one my shoes was gone, never to be seen until the following spring when it reappeared in the cow pasture across the road. And so, I wore one new shoe and one old shoe…which were almost identical…except for the number of eyelets and the massive amount of dirt and wear and tear on the old shoe. I spent the entire first day of school sitting on one foot…smelling my new crayons!

It seems that as kids, no matter how many times we are told to be careful, we don’t listen! We make bad choices that may affect us for just a little while or ones that affect us for an entire year or longer. Research shows that most kids don’t truly understand the consequences of their actions until they are between the ages of 18 and 25. I have passed 25…and there are still those moments of judgement lapse.

Well, back to my little 6th graders who looked like deer caught in the headlights, today. For the next 172 days, I get to impact their entire day. I get to say things that may or may not “stick with them”. I get to tell them things like, “Don’t play the Shoe Game or the Fork Game.” (Don’t even get me started on the Fork Game! I still have scars from that one!) But even with those types of warnings, kids will still make their own decisions! It’s the weighing of the consequences we need to teach them. If we can teach them that, we have definitely made an impact on the future.

Have a great day…and if you ever play the Fork Game…use plastic forks!

Today, I looked in the mirror before I dashed off for yet another day of workshop…Day 3. I dabbed a little concealer on the new zit that had formed overnight on the tip of my nose. (By the way, at what age do you quit getting zits? I thought that was a bonus of getting out of your teens! Ugh!) Anyway, I thought I looked pretty presentable…for me!

I dashed into the meeting and sat next to a young teacher I had never seen before. I introduced myself and asked about her. She squared her shoulders and turned to face me…head on. Dang if she wasn’t the perkiest little thing I’ve ever seen. You know the type: cute voice, perfect hair, and no fat anywhere . She looked like she could actually run the length of her body without stopping because she was out of breath or to get a drink! (I’m not  necessarily talking water, here!)   Well, she practically bounced as she introduced herself.

“Oh, I’m Linette. I just graduated from college, and I am sooooo excited to be here. This is my first teaching job! Can you tell?” (No kidding! We were sitting in the front of the room where the Newbies and the late arrivals sit.)

I watched her for a second or two, then tossed back my Geritol and washed it down with a swig of Ensure. I licked the chocolate off my lips and said, “Great! Come see me if you need help. I know the ins and outs of this school.”

She clapped twice…something like a cross between a cheerleader and a Paula Abdul clap…and told me, “Thank you so much! My mom told me to find a grandmotherly-type person when I started. They are always so helpful!”

I smiled (or rather grimaced) at her and turned away. I prayed for the meeting to start…quick!

Grandmotherly-type! When did that happen? I swear, I was just a perky little thing not that long ago! What happened?

Anyway, the Cash for Clunkers program went so well that they are planning on expanding it to get rid of old appliances. Maybe it’s time they hold a Cash for Clunkers for teachers! I think I qualify. No, after the Grandmotherly statement…I KNOW I qualify!

So, here’s to the perky, young teachers, everywhere…and to those “Grandmotherly-Types” who mentor them along! The drink that I have in my hand right now…is for you!

Mary…the Phat Fat Teacher

Last week, I took my daughter to orientation at the brand new, $95 million high school that is opening this fall in the district in which I teach. My husband, daughter and I walked around in awe of the AstroTurf on the football field, the 3+ huge gymnasiums, the student lounges, and the big screen TVs hanging on the walls. But I think I was most swept away by the monogrammed clocks, carpets, chairs, etc…including the leather recliners in the athletic training first-aid room. Literally, everything was monogrammed.

About an hour later, I returned to the middle school in which I teach…the oldest building in the same district. I sat down at my second hand desk (a cast off from a local business), and noticed the bowed tables with the missing edging, the broken blinds, the 35 year old carpet with the mystery stains, the broken Formica counter-top, and best of all…or at least I thought it was…the lime green built-in bookshelf. See, I only thought that was the best, until I bent over my computer to adjust a cord in the back of it, and felt water dripping onto my head…from the rain soaked ceiling tiles above my desk. Now, that was the best!  I sighed and plopped down in my chair, wondering what it would be like to have everything new. And that was when I realized that I do have one thing that the HS has…monogrammed chairs. Although, mine are all monogrammed with the “F” word that has been carved into them rather than the name of the school. This was compliments of an 8th grade German class who once shared my room. (You’d think they could have at least written it in German. It would have been a bit more classy!)

Next, I wandered around the school and noticed the patched sections of walls that were repainted with the wrong color paint; the gum, staples, and paperclips that got waxed over; and the half-inch layer of dust that seemed to have settled just above eye level…making it seemingly invisible to anyone cleaning. But as I made my way back into my classroom, I stopped in my doorway. I stood there for a full minute, picturing the room packed to the gills with students. My heart soared and I actually felt the tears fill my eyes. (Could have just been the dust!) But that picture…the imaginary students seated in my room…was what reminded me that good teaching isn’t about the “things” you have, but about the “love” you share. It’s meeting the kids every hour with a high-five, and dismissing them the same way at the end of class. It’s financing their “low-balance” lunch accounts so they don’t have to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of hot lunch. It’s the secret notes you leave in their lockers and books telling them how amazing they are. It’s about singing them HAPPY BIRTHDAY…several times during the day…even when they are in the bathroom or have just gotten on their bus to go home. And it’s about getting to know them as a person; going to their ball games and dance recitals…knowing what makes them tick. That’s what good teaching is!

So, I say, the high school can have their AstroTurf and their leather recliners. I don’t need those things to be a good teacher. I just need kids…and a great, big heart!

Mary…the Phat/Fat Teacher

It’s August 28, 2009, and this is the beginning of the PHAT TEACHER project. Workshop starts next week, and I am once again gearing up for the start of a new school year…teaching middle schoolers…6th graders to be exact. You know, the ones who aren’t really kids any longer, but they still aren’t mutant teenagers either. The ones who, until February, still believe that the opposite sex has cooties!

Well, once August rolled around, I moved from the “enjoying summer” phase right into the “preparing myself for school” phase. I stepped up my lottery ticket buying to twice a week; opting to purchase $10 a week worth of tickets instead of my usual $2. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

So, I suppose you are wondering where the name of my website, PHAT TEACHER, came from. Well, a few years back, one of my students said, “Hey, Mrs. P! You’re really phat!” He wove his arms across his body, stuck out his lower jaw until it looked as if it was detached from the rest of his face, and bounced his head up and down like one of those bobble-head dolls. I was shocked to hear a student call me fat! So, I mimicked his stance and actions and I said, “Hey, Nate! You’re really in detention!” The rest of the class quickly came to his defense and tried to tell me that being PHAT was a good thing. Yeah, right! Like I was going to believe that. I’ve been around the block more than once…if you know what I mean. (However, usually by the second time around, though, I’m puffing a little…so I figure they might be right about the phat/fat thing.) Anyway, I went home and got on the scale…and sure enough…it flashes, “OVERLOAD…BEEPING WILL BEGIN WHEN BACKING UP!” So, I guess they were right! If PHAT/FAT is a good thing, then I’m right in style!

You see, I’m not really FAT; however, not everyone might agree with that statement. Let me put it this way: the other day, I bent down to talk to a friend’s toddler sitting in a stroller. I smiled and chanted, “How big is Caden?”, and of course, he and I both put our arms straight up in the air and cooed out, “Soooooo big!”. Then, I said, “How big is Mary?” (That would be me!) and his arms shot straight out to his sides as far as he could reach. He even gritted his nine little teeth just so he could reach a bit farther, and he yells, “SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BIG!” Everyone’s a comedian!

Alright, here’s another way to look at this fat thing. They say the average woman wears a size 12. Well, that puts me above average…at about a C+! Isn’t it good to be above average? The interesting thing is that every summer, I try eating my way right toward that A. A person needs to have goals!

Okay, back to the whole PHAT thing. So, I jump on the computer and type in PHAT. According to the Urban Dictionary, it means hot and tempting or cool! I figure, at my age and my “fluffiness level”, hot and tempting isn’t exactly what Nate meant…so, I’m thinking he probably meant cool. However, it also stated that it is now hopelessly out of style. Well, I guess that describes me pretty well, also! There is no real style to black shirts and black pants…which, by the way, cover your fat (the real stuff…not the phat stuff) very well.

Anyway, regardless of whether I am PHAT or FAT, there is a reason for this blog. In the 27 years, weeks (that sounds better) that I have been teaching, I see a lot of humor in the day to day activities of my students. I also see a lot of humor in the way I teach, and I feel that there are people out there who need to know that teaching is a fun and noble career path. Too many young people are looking for money and prestige rather than looking at the benefits you get from this career. Impacting a child’s life is a forever thing. (Of course, I can never be sure if it was my fault that 8 of my past students who ended up in prison was due to my influence or not. I can only hope it wasn’t!) So, go into teaching! Live an amazing life. And if you are still unsure, keep reading the blog. You’ll understand why teaching makes you laugh and why it makes you cry…why it will be your greatest joy and why sometimes it will break your heart. And why, when some child brings you the ugliest Christmas gift in the entire world, it is still as valuable to you as the $50 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble or some fancy restaurant. (Note to new teachers: Ugly ornaments get hung on the back of the Christmas tree.)

Kids are great! So, keep reading, blog followers. Make comments and send me your opinions. Just remember…it’s still summer vacation…so get out there and buy more lottery tickets. And if you happen to win, remember to send me some money. It was my idea!

Mary…the Phat-Fat Teacher